Existential Cravings

"Is life a mere routine, in the greater scheme of things?"

That is from the song Pilgrim's Theme and it has been on top of my head ever since I attended that graduation in Maryhurst. I was reminded the time when I plunged myself into the 'real world' that my simple wish was to be ordinary and to live a life like that of an ordinary. In the years past before then, I belabored myself in trying to be different and of feeding my thoughts of higher thoughts, of dreaming higher dreams, of aiming more than an ordinary man can get. But then, there find an end in trying to be exceptional, of trying to be different. It feels freer and happier to dive into the pool of ordinariness where I can blend... without losing my colors. During that time, I watched the film American Beauty where says a character, "Nothing can be any worse in life than to be ordinary." My answer then was: "Let's see."

Now, I see. I am right, in as much as that American Beauty character is, in some or other ways. While I may jubilate at the thought that I can go through the mundane and routinary, there is that drive within to look for more than the usual. It is but human nature to look up and find out what else need to explored, of what else need to be conquered. And these are not all of the outside. Most of the times, it's from the inside. The holes deep within need to be filled. It's a labor to supply the longings that now until, none didst fully satisfy me.

What is life but an irony! It's but our very nature to go the usual while minding that we are for some significance, for something higher in things' greater scheme.

Of Love Unrequited

Never in the recesses of my hypothalamus have it occured that I would be writing something in this subject. You see, I have always thought of myself as an "invictus" - the unconquered - and that pains of this kind are too far-fetched. But then, after a third stick of Winston Lights, and still craving for more, just to while away my loneliness and longings for any signs of the topic of my mind, tells me otherwise. Add to that the sentimental cravings of whatever that will keep my sanity in stitch and listening to songs celebrating the sacredness of 'aloneness', I am left to admit that something in my system is wrong. And as the question long before asked goes: how can it be wrong when it feels so right?

I always have that great admiration to the power of will and reason but I see myself defying reasons just to give in. I see myself breaking my very rules and shattering the principles I verily erected. Then I say, this should be the last only to find myself again traversing my way to insanity, undergoing the same pain and struggle I have taken.

How can the greatest gift to mankind -LOVE- turn out to be a curse? How can loving be so painful? How can I let this happen?

So I guess, I'm there... and what an experience to be there....

Soldier's Caught in the Act (Such A Shame)

HOT SPOT. These soldiers had a grand time browsing pornographic websites during the first day of the Local Peace and Security Assembly (LPSA) in Tagum City’s Bulwagan ng Lalawigan on Thursday, while National Security Adviser Norberto Gonzales was delivering a speech. President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo attended the event the next day. The soldiers managed to go online because the venue had been turned into a wifi hotspot for the event.

I So Miss My Sister

The mass was well-attended. Masses during fiesta have always been like this. People from the outskirt of the barrio were coming over to meet and greet the "balikbayans " on this event repeated only once a year. The church, being small, was swelling with believers. I saw many were standing near the entrance and on the sides. I was on the lectern carefully leafing through the songs we practiced for the Eucharistic celebration. I do not know what went wrong but something odd went up the air as the members of the choir I was handling started glancing one another. Then I saw my sister, Ramy her name, from the second pew on the right. Her eyes are daggers that pierce through my anxious gesture. Then i realize, I indeed made a mistake. And my sister will not let it past without judgment.

After the event, I hurriedly went out the church. I did without talking, and as much as possible, I wanted no one would notice. I did something wrong and my sister's going to look for me, probably to reprimand me, as she always did as if I am a unblemished sheet needed to be filled with her teachings. I remember one time, I was high school then, when she ordered me to go and get 'lukay' (dried coconut palm) which we used for starting the fire on the wood when we cook. Then having been to and fro looking for one to no avail, I returned and ask her where can I get one. She suddenly said, "sa bulanghoyan" ( to the cassava field). It's already getting dark over there but believing what my sister said, I went and look for one. I always believed what my sister said. That "lukay" might be somewhere there. She must have seen it late this afternoon and left it there and is now asking me to get it. But fruitless of all toil, I did not see one. I went back, holding my tears for the unfulfilled task. I told my sister I was not able to bring any. With the tone for anger, she asked, "where did you go looking for "lukay?" "To the cassava fields," I said. "The hell,' she yelled at me, 'I thought you are intelligent. How could you find one in the sea of cassava. Use your 'coconut' (intelligence). Of course, 'lukays' are probably under the coconut trees, not in the cassava field.'"

Then I went out. I could no longer hold my tears. I let it flow like a dike giving up to the weight of water. I was sobbing outside, beside a pit where we dump our garbage. I was thinking, how could she do that. I was like, "my sister was making joke when she told me to get 'sa bolanghuyan' but, yeah, how fool I am not to realize my sister is capable of humor. Later, it sounds funny. I realize, really, how could I find a "lukay" in the vast field of cassava. I smile a little for the wit of that but then, continue sobbing.

My sister heard it and wondered if she was being haunted by some ghosts lingering around. she almost run to the house until she saw me beside the pit. She approached me and scolded what was that I was crying for. I did not answer. Then she started crying too. Tears drip through her face as she uttered words like, why was I hurt for that. I should even be grateful for not experiencing the things she does. I was sent to school by our parents, unlike her who has to be a working-student only to make it in High School. I should even be grateful that I got to see our parents every weekend, unlike her who has to wait busy-ness to subside for her to be able to go home. I should have been grateful I have a sister like her to mend ways, unlike her who has been alone all over. Then lumps started forming on my throat. I stop sobbing and realize my sister is right.

Now, I run as if I could be killed once I am catch. I jumped through the rice paddies and it seems she's always right behind me. I hid behind rock and suddenly saw her coming as if in a lightning flash. I towards the church and hid behind the coconut tree as if it can enclose my slender figure. I was exhausted and I thought she will not stop until she can talk to me. Then I thought, I have to face her all at once. I cried why is it that she will not let go of me. I am no longer the young brother she used to know. I know what I am doing now and that she no longer have to point out my mistakes nor reprimand me. Then she lift her chin, look straight right at me saying she just want us to be buddies again, the way we used to. She wants to mend our ways and be the best of brothers and sisters one could ever think of. Then I replied, what we are is nothing for us and we can just go on our lives just the same. Then she said this would be last time time she'll be talking to me. She will be leaving. I felt cold water drenched through my hot and tired body as I heard her say that. I fear at the thought that my sister is going to leave me and I may not know when will be the next time we are going to see each other again. I almost cry at the thought that she has to go after me just for her to say her last goodbyes. She'll be leaving... she'll be leaving.... The words kept echoing my mind. The feeling of having her leave is intensified by the thought that she'll be gone the soonest I could muster.

Then amidst our drama, we were approach by a girl, I thought my other sister Mercy, telling us we need to be hurry for the jeepney that's gonna take her to the place I do not know where is waiting for her. I reluctantly walked with them, silenced by my gamut of emotions. There's only one vacant seat in the jeepney and it is reserved for her. She's wiping her tears as she embraced my sister Mercy before getting on the jeepney. She didn't look at me, I cannot look at her either. I am embarrassed although I am holding my body who wants to wrap her with my tight embraced. Then the jeepney starts its engine. As it slowly go, I ran and hold her hand, extending outside, very tight. The more I squeeze her hand, the more she cried.

And all of a sudden, there was , "bro, bro!". I understand I am being called. Then it gets louder with accompanying tap on my shoulder. "Bro, bro!" It continued. When I look back to heed the call, I saw Daive. "Bugtaw na kay mag-market ta." It was Daive, my roommate, walking me up for our Saturday morning ritual - marketing. Wheew!!!

For Even Giants Cry

I rummaged through my "red-tin-can-of-memories" this afternoon and came across this letter sent to me by "Beastie". As anyone hungry for sentiments, I read through the letter and relive the same feeling I was having when I first received the letter. Beastie is one of the few who knows and understand me well enough to be a best friend (thus, 'Beastie') though we do not meet with each other that much. By now, she's on the realization of her dreams, "magturo ng mga bata sa kanayunan" (teach the children of the countryside). Our communication now are limited to letters that bears no date for it not to be limited and enclosed by time (actually, letters are hand-carried and received weeks or even months after sending).

Though her letter was hand-written, it looks computerized with an Arial, sized 8 font. I used to teased her with that. She included this poem she said she thought whenever she finds herself to wondrous places (to the point of being magical) in the portion of space occupied by her small figure - wherever she is by now. Beastie memorized the poem by heart though she forgot where did she encountered the poem and from whom.


The poem says;

Father, where do giants go to cry?
To the hills
Behind the thunder,
Or to the waterfall
I wonder?
(Giants cry,
I know they do
Do they wait
'Til nighttime, too?)

-anonymous

There it goes. So full of childhood innocence and wonderment. Beastie is right. Giants do cry... they have to.... And yeah, even an invictus needs a respite.

Akaw: Invictus sa Aurora

I invited my 'brother' Mike to spend Christmas with me. Being alone in the house after everyone left for home to spend the year's remaining days, I cannot imagine how to spend my Christmas - alone. So there it goes, straight from Baler Aurora where he is teaching, Mike came. Then we invited Julyn, another college friend here in the Metro who too almost wondered how is it to be Christmas alone, we have a dinner for three - over a sumptuous meal, a round of cake and a bottle of wine. We had a Merry Christmas after all.

Came Dec. 26 and I asked for a half-day for work. Mike and I planned to spend my 2-days off in Baler Aurora, a place he has been talking about and boasting about since he stayed there for his teaching stints in Mount Carmel College. Baler, the capital of Aurora is an 8 to 12-hour ride from Cubao, some 230 kilometers northeast of Manila. We had a stopover in Cabanatuan and transfer from Five Star to a D-Liner bus that would bring us to the the place. So off we went through the often rough, uncemented road along the ravines. A big beware for pregnant women in going there. At around 8:30pm, I set foot on the soil of Baler. It took us 8-hours and 15 minutes in all to reach the place (we left Cubao some minutes after 12pm). That was fast enough.

We then went to Mike's friend (and student), Ibu. Ibu's father, who is working here in the Metro, invited us over to talk about the art exhibit Mike and Ibu is planning to hold in their school. We pass by the shore going to Ibu's house and Oh! The blowing wind was enough for me to shout (as I always do in seashores) and have a puff of cigarette. They talked over their plans for the exhibit, and I inject some of my suggestion from time to time. A question I held back until I no longer can and suddenly blurted out why such is Ibu's name. Ibu, I was told, is short for 'Ibunsod' meaning 'to launch.' Then I continued my probing and was amazed by his siblings name. There is Hiyas (precious gems), Raya (the great), Ani (harvest), and Kris (sword). And a total whoa! to me for the uniqueness of their names.

It was raining on my first day in Baler, so we dare not go to places far and drench ourselves to shiver. We went to a hanging bridge, the longest by far I saw and walked on. What an exhilarating feeling it was , traversing the length of the bridge amidst the serene surrounding and the silent waters below. I told Mike I will be walking there everyday if I was him, but of course, that was a exaggeration. We went to Museo de Baler and have a glimpse of the place's historical past. We also went to the school where Mike is teaching. Then we went to a radio station somewhere on the 3rd floor of their school. I was told there are two local radio stations, one supported and run by the church (the one we visited) and the other by the Angaras. Then we went to the church of Baler and demerit why the old church was painted to appear like new instead of preserving it's natural, antiquated appearance. There by the side of the church I read this quote I immediately forwarded to some of my friends. It says:

"Mga katutubo, ninuno,
diba't kayo ang aming pinanggalingan?
Bakit kayo ay isinantabi ng lipunan, nililibak,
pinagtatawanan,
at niyurakanan ang dangal? "

So there it goes, striking enough that need not be explained further. Then we went to April's house, one of the 'tigidudes' (a group idiotically organized composing the new employees of MCC - I was told) and Mike's co-employee in San Luis. We went to Fr. Bon's and the seminary that lay beside. Then we went to the damn dam and have a gaze of the clear water. San Luis is a nice place, with their wide, clean roads. We ended San Luis escapade with a taste of barbecue sold on a sidewalk for 3 pesos per stick. Wheew!

We then visited Sabang beach. I am suppose to have my therapeutic walk along the shore leaving a set of footprints (with occasional shouts), but the weather did not let me. I contented on feasting my eyes to the surging waves of white and the few people surfing and enduring and enjoying its water. We then look through the sea and invited Mike that we go to the line that we see at the horizon. Ouch!!!

Along the way all throughout, there were enough share of handshakes and introductions to names I cannot remember among Mike's friends and students in the place.

For the night, we have a chilling on Baler's famed Bistro - your ultimate acoustic experience (the t-shirt we bought there says that). With live local bands (which are customers themselves), we had few bottles and have the pa-Bistro-bistro went to experience as what one line of their song said. At around 10:30pm, Mike decided to meet his student-friends there. Six of us, with the addition of Dalo, Nick, Toyang, and ErasmoMaharaja and have what it is a night life in Baler. With songs and beer, we stayed until the wee hours of the night. It was also a good night for story sharing and listening about what Baler have been, the struggles of the people against the unexpected weather, their resentment against the government, their steadfast spirit to remain firm despite all that has been. With a bottle of coke, we call it a day at Nick's house at round 4:30am.

Thank high heavens, it was already masingit (sunny) the next day. Although tired for last night's session, that cannot hindered our desire to explore the place. We visited Carlo first so that we will have service (he has tricycle) for our undertakings to the places. We first went to the biggest balite tree in Asia. It really deserve it's name. It's so huge, it has a hole inside where one can climb up - and we did climb. Carlo said it now even appear smaller because some branches fell and were trimmed. I was asked by Mike to take videos of them while going out from the tree. I gleefully agreed, with much excitement for the setting was like that of some Harry Potter or LOTR movies. To everyone's frustration, I forgot to press the 'capture' button on Mike's CP camera. The scene was spoiled and I was sad. :-(

Our next destination is the falls in El Pi - short for El Pimentel. The road was rough and kind of far but the reward is invaluable. To have the clear, clean, cold water drip though my body is more than enough. The place is surprisingly clean - thanks for the maintenance of the place. We then have those shots wearing our birthday suits. Wheee... When we're done, we then went to the damn dam again to meet April (again) together with other members of 'tigidudes'. And whew! the water is again inviting. I held my desire to have my body a swim. With the conspiration of whoever and whatever there was, I was able to resist it's invitation.

Then we went to what they call the Ermita Hill. The night before, Dalo said (in Maharaja) there was a time that there were only 8 families who survived the torrential weather and I was told that it was in Ermita that they seek refuge. The place is elevated and that explains. We have a good view of the Philippine Sea and some coasts, and of course the forest of Sierra Madre. It somehow gave you a bird's eye view of Aurora. Ermita is a nice site for dates and things romantic - and there were numerous couples there.

We decided not to sleep for the night and to kill the time while waiting for the bus that would take us home, we again went to Maharaja. As it was in the previous night, there were drinks, songs, dances - merrymaking and hundreds of handshakes. The dudes cannot get over those introduction and getting to know who. Of course, the talks were there and we did enjoy.

I can say my respite in Aurora is not purely enjoyment. I did enjoy but there is a certain kind of feeling that triumph more than enjoyment. I feel a certain kind of pity or something I cannot explain. The place is nice, and it has been there ever since. It is as old as Manila or Cebu but it seems Baler lagged behind. The place is so promising and I know, Baler will have it's brighter days... and I know it wouldn't be that far.

I promise to go back there.

abSENT

Never here, never there but always everywhere. Basking in the light of darkness. So illuminating, I cannot gaze. Living this life I chose. To be and always will....