Existential Cravings

"Is life a mere routine, in the greater scheme of things?"

That is from the song Pilgrim's Theme and it has been on top of my head ever since I attended that graduation in Maryhurst. I was reminded the time when I plunged myself into the 'real world' that my simple wish was to be ordinary and to live a life like that of an ordinary. In the years past before then, I belabored myself in trying to be different and of feeding my thoughts of higher thoughts, of dreaming higher dreams, of aiming more than an ordinary man can get. But then, there find an end in trying to be exceptional, of trying to be different. It feels freer and happier to dive into the pool of ordinariness where I can blend... without losing my colors. During that time, I watched the film American Beauty where says a character, "Nothing can be any worse in life than to be ordinary." My answer then was: "Let's see."

Now, I see. I am right, in as much as that American Beauty character is, in some or other ways. While I may jubilate at the thought that I can go through the mundane and routinary, there is that drive within to look for more than the usual. It is but human nature to look up and find out what else need to explored, of what else need to be conquered. And these are not all of the outside. Most of the times, it's from the inside. The holes deep within need to be filled. It's a labor to supply the longings that now until, none didst fully satisfy me.

What is life but an irony! It's but our very nature to go the usual while minding that we are for some significance, for something higher in things' greater scheme.

Of Love Unrequited

Never in the recesses of my hypothalamus have it occured that I would be writing something in this subject. You see, I have always thought of myself as an "invictus" - the unconquered - and that pains of this kind are too far-fetched. But then, after a third stick of Winston Lights, and still craving for more, just to while away my loneliness and longings for any signs of the topic of my mind, tells me otherwise. Add to that the sentimental cravings of whatever that will keep my sanity in stitch and listening to songs celebrating the sacredness of 'aloneness', I am left to admit that something in my system is wrong. And as the question long before asked goes: how can it be wrong when it feels so right?

I always have that great admiration to the power of will and reason but I see myself defying reasons just to give in. I see myself breaking my very rules and shattering the principles I verily erected. Then I say, this should be the last only to find myself again traversing my way to insanity, undergoing the same pain and struggle I have taken.

How can the greatest gift to mankind -LOVE- turn out to be a curse? How can loving be so painful? How can I let this happen?

So I guess, I'm there... and what an experience to be there....